I'll Be Good
by jessica-m-99
Summary: If you had the chance to help your childhood icon and the man who saved you from killing yourself, wouldn't you? No matter what it took?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I do not own any of the characters originally found in Marvel comics or movies. Any dialogue from the movies is not my own. I own Kat, any original characters associated with her, and the plotline.**

 **Trigger Warning: The main character of this story was raped as a child. There are many flashbacks and they are graphic for the sake of the plot. I will put an all encompassing warning here because there are many mentions sprinkled throughout the story and I do not want to put warnings on even small mentions because I feel it takes away from the plot.**

 **There are also mentions of infertility in this and Kat struggling because of it. If you have any similar sufferings and might be triggered because of it, I warn this may not be the story.**

 **Finally, there is the usual warning of how shitty Hydra can be. That will be discussed in detail here and we all know what they do to people**

* * *

Kat Elizabeth Hastings smiled as the flames twirled and spun in her hand, the heat licking the image of the smirking man away forever. She glared at the picture of her younger self with the thirty-six year old man and set fire to the old memory

It had been ten years and three months since Robert Hawkins had strutted into her life and she still couldn't cleanse her brain of his whiskey soaked breath or his cold, unrelenting smile.

He had died in prison long ago but it still felt like just yesterday he was caressing her barely matured body and telling her that he loved her.

She stepped inside her small Brooklyn apartment and closed the door with a sigh.

The twenty-three year old had grown up a lot since her first kiss. She had grown to understand what Robert was really doing to her and she wanted to tear her own flesh apart at the very memory of his lips on it.

She cursed the skin she walked in. She cursed the way men's eyes danced over her as she walked across the street. She hated all of it.

She hated all of them.

That was until she met him.

He made her forget, even if for a short time. In his arms she truly understood love. She knew that the world wasn't all hatred and anger.

Until he left her.

She cried for weeks and her mother held her in her arms and whispered that eventually it would be okay.

Her mother promised that one day Kat would find a love and a life that was filled with more joy and love then she could even imagine. It might take a while and a lot of work, but it would happen.

That was the night her mother and father died in a car crash.

She wondered if that happiness would ever come.

She collapsed onto the sofa and was about to turn on an old movie when her phone rang out Taylor Swift's _Style_.

 _You got that James Dean  
Daydream  
Look in your eye  
And I got that red lip  
Classic  
Thing that you like_

Speaking of boyfriends.

She sighed as she picked up the phone

"Sam Wilson, did we not break up a year ago? Did I just dream that happened?"

"No?"

"Then why are you still calling me everyday?" She wondered and she heard his sharp laughter pierce the other line.

"Because Kat, I have something you might like to hear."

"Why would I want to hear anything from you again? Reminder that we did break up because you called my music taste weird and freaky."

"Still the weirdest reason a woman has chosen to end it with me but that's not the point. I have a story that you can make fun of me for."

Kat immediately sat up with wide eyes, fascination curling around her senses. "Where are you? I'll be there in six minutes," she told him grabbing her keys as she bolted outside.

Sam laughed. "Good to know your sense of humor never changes."

She called a cab and headed over to Sam's apartment, giving the driver a tip if he broke a few laws to cut through rush hour traffic.

She raced out of the car, throwing money at the poor old man and banging her hand on the door so hard she worried she might get splinters.

He swung open the door topless and she rolled her eyes as she shoved past him, walking into her apartment as if it were her own home. "Nice to know your wardrobe hasn't changed," she remarked, heading into his kitchen to grab a soda.

"What? I was getting ready for work."

She smiled and nodded as if that was obviously what he was doing.

"Speaking of work, when are you going to find me a job?" She asked, collapsing back on the couch and sipping her soda like she lived there.

"You are sending me very mixed signals here Katty," he said, placing his hands on his hips. "First you want me to stop calling you now you want me to find you work?"

"One, I told you in high school, please stop calling me Katty it's not cute. Two, I know I'm never going to get rid of you Sam, but you can't blame a girl for trying," she shrugged. "If I really wanted you to stop calling I would just stop picking up the phone," she shrugged and he nodded.

"Fair point, and I don't have a job just yet. I'm not Superman you know."

"But you are working with Captain America?" Kat reminded him, a small grin dangling across her lips. "The guy you idolized in middle school? You had a poster of him on your bedroom wall? If he can't find me a job nobody can," she sighed.

"You do realize he just recently woke up from being stuck in the ice for about seventy years right?"

"Details, details," she waved her hand distractedly.

He chuckled. "Well, I was thinking of asking you to help Stark, but-"

"You wanted me to be a doctor for Tony Stark?!" She exclaimed.

"He said no," Sam finished lamely.

"Tony Stark? The Tony Stark? As in billionaire, playboy, philanthropist Tony Stark?"

"The one and only."

"Do you not remember how gramps felt about him?" She laughed. "I believe his exact words were 'stuck-up, petty rich kid with no understanding of how basic humans live'."

"Yeah, I remember," Sam rolled his eyes. "Which is why it's good he said no."

"What about the Avengers as a whole?" Kat suggested "Could I work just as the Avengers doctor?"

Sam shrugged. "I'd have to ask Cap."

She sighed and leaned back against the couch. "Rents coming up soon, Sam. Please, please please, hurry."

He raised his hands in surrender. "I'm doing the best I can, Katty. I promise."

She nodded and smiled at him. "So what's this story you called me about?"

He chuckled. "Alright so I'm in my suit-," he began, sitting down by her side as he prepared to give her a truly incredible story.

"Bird wings and everything?"

"Whole deal," he nodded, taking a deep breath before he continued. "And I hear there's a perimeter breach at Headquarters. Right on the roof. Naturally, I'm the only guy there that can deal with it-"

"Naturally!" She giggled.

"I go up to the roof and there's nobody there. Not a soul. At first I'm thinking this was some stupid trick, when I'm punched by nobody!"

"Ha!"

"I look around, and I start getting my ass kicked by what looked like fucking nothing! I started to wonder if Shield had come up with some invisible tech and the agents were fucking with me when I see it. A little tiny man running on the roof."

"Holy shit!" Kat always loved listening to Sam's stories with the Avengers. They always managed to surprise her.

He nodded. "He wasn't bigger than my little finger but he had the strength of ten men."

She grinned. "Hold on, so you're telling me there was a man the size of a tic tac that broke into headquarters and you tried to fight said tic tac… and lost?!"

He nodded again, a small smirk on his lips as he noted how entertained she seemed. "See I knew you would like this."

She rolled her eyes. "Why didn't you just step on the guy?!"

"I was afraid he would flip me onto my fucking back!"

She laughed at him so hard she couldn't breath. "You got beat up by a tic tac!"


	2. Chapter 2

Bucky Barnes was utterly alone in the world.

He had no purpose. No reason for being.

And yet he carried on like the mindless soldier he had been trained to be for so long.

He wished he could have died when he fell off that train.

It would've been so easy and it would've been for his country. He could've died for his country.

Instead, every step he took felt like it was stolen from one of the many people he killed.

Those people. Those innocent, brave, intelligent people could have continued to walk the earth and contribute so much then he ever had.

But no.

He had to kill them. To rob the world the world of their brilliance.

Bucky took a shaky breath and glanced up at the unfamiliar streets that lied before him.

He watched the people of Brooklyn numbly.

This city was his home but it had changed so much since he was last there.

Hydra had robbed him of everything; his family, his friends, his innocence.

They had even managed to take away the familiarity of a place he had once called home.

He clutched his head, groaning roughly as the tainted memories swam across his poisonous mind.

" _Soldier" the thick Russian accent chuckled. "We have your next mission."_

He screamed at the man and the children playing in the streets backed away in terror. Their mothers clung to them just a bit tighter as the strange man with the metal arm hollered in dozens of languages, each impossible to make out through the gargled screams.

* * *

Natasha Romanov stared in awe at the black and white screen. She was surrounded by various computers and monitors in the room, each serving on purpose: hunting for James Buchanan Barnes.

Tony had implemented a communications room in the Avengers headquarters to hunt for the missing soldier the day after Sam Wilson showed up and complained for three hours about maxing out his credit card flying across the globe for Sergeant Barnes.

When Steve tried to go out and spend months hunting for him on his own, Tony offered an alternative solution.

He built the communications room and linked all the computers to police reports and newscastings searching for keywords that pertained to Bucky Barnes.

That had a couple false cases, resulting in some very awkward meetings on the streets of Beijing and Manchester, but as Natasha read the report on her screen, she genuinely believed they had found the missing soldier.

"Steve!" Nat bellowed. The Captain bolted through the hallways, carelessly running into a few disgruntled agents before he arrived in the communications room, wide- eyed and slightly out of breath. Natasha barely looked up at his arrival. "We got a call into the police. A woman said some homeless guy in her neighborhood with a metal arm was screaming in foreign languages. Scaring all the kids to death."

"It's him," Steve breathed. "We have to go after him."

Tony Stark sighed as he walked into the room, shaking his head slightly as his desperate friend. He had spotted the super soldier darting through the hallways and easily guessed what he was so excited about. Those days, the Cap didn't get worked up over much except finding Bucky. He followed Steve down into the communications room and smirked arrogantly when Nat confirmed what he had already known.

"Now, hold on there big guy. We can't just storm in there and grab your buddy off the street without any questions being asked," Tony reminded him. "Remember Beijing?"

Steve just shot him a firm glare, Tony could tell his mind was already made up and he rolled his eyes. "We have to get him, Tony."

"I know but we have to be smart about this. Send someone in who the general public wouldn't recognize in a split second and then have a forty five minute long news story about for the next two months."

"Not just one man though?" Natasha clarified. "You do remember that he nearly killed Steve and I in D.C right?"

"How could I forget? You two wouldn't stop gloating about the whole thing for the next six months," Tony moaned.

"You gloated?" Steve muttered, turning to frown at the Russian spy.

Natasha shrugged with a small smile. "I had to." After all they had taken down Hydra from within Shield after Tony failed to find anything about it in his scan of Shield's files.

"We can send a small team of agents in for the extraction. You know the ones who didn't turn Hydra at the drop of a hat," Tony offered.

"No, wait," Steve thought. "We can send Sam in and have Maria and Sharon drive him back. Sam has been looking for Bucky for months, and Maria and Sharon can handle him if things do go wrong. At least they can until backup arrives."

Tony nodded. "Well, are you gonna call bird-man or should I? Not like the tin man is gonna stay in the same place just waiting for someone to save him."

"I'll call Sam," Steve nodded and Tony left.

"What are we just leaving me out of this?!" Natasha exclaimed. "I am the one who found him," she reminded Steve.

"I know but he knows you. He'll remember you from D.C. I'm sorry, Nat, it's too risky."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, and leaving him with bird boy isn't?" She muttered bitterly.

Steve sighed and picked up his phone to call Sam.

* * *

Sam's phone rang with a ringtone that cried out, "shots, shots, shots," and Kat choked on her drink when she heard it.

"Charming," she laughed.

"Oh, shut up," he rolled his eyes. "Hi, Steve."

Her jaw dropped. "Why, Mr. Sam Wilson you are something else!" She exclaimed. She got up and went to get a snack from Sam's kitchen while he continued to talk to Steve.

"What, you found him? You've gotta be kidding me, I spent months looking for this guy and he's here? Yeah, I'll help but- wait can I bring a friend of mine?"

"Ex!" Kat called.

"An ex-girlfriend of mine," Sam amended. "Yes, I know that sounds weird but she's a doctor. I mean her dad was in the army for a few years. Cool, thanks."

Kat sniffed some food in a container and dumped it in the trash. "You really need to clean out your fridge more," she mumbled before looking up at him. "What's going on?"

Sam tried to figure out a way to word what he planned to show her, but eventually gave up with a sigh and grabbed his coat. "Easier to show you."

"Okay..," she hesitated. "Is it gonna be something really weird that's going to make me ultimately regret leaving my bedroom this morning?"

He chuckled. "No," he thought for a moment. "Well, maybe. You always were a history fanatic though so probably not."

"We were both history fanatics, buddy. Remember your creepy obsession with Captain America?"

"Oh, so we're bringing that up twice in one day? Fantastic," Sam rolled his eyes. Sometimes he questioned why he remained friends with her.

Sam drove Kat to the location Steve said and sure enough, there was already a van there with a blonde and brunette woman, talking to the police about not arresting the strange homeless man with the metal arm.

Bucky sat in the alleyway, oblivious to the woman trying to protect him merely trying to focus on one thing because at the moment he was everywhere and nowhere at once.

Kat gasped and fell back a few steps when she saw him. Her whole world slowly shifting on its axis. "Is that-?"

Sam grabbed her arms and pulled her back a few steps. "Yes, it's Bucky Barnes, yes he's still alive, and yes I had to keep this information from you," Sam said, already knowing every question his best friend was going to toss his way. "I'm gonna need you to not go crazy fangirl Katty on me."

"But- But he died. He fell off the train. The only Howling Commando to give his life in the line of duty," she repeated from the museum she had been to dozens of times growing up. Her vision never left Bucky as Sam tried to snap her back to reality.

"Hey, hey, I kept my cool meeting Cap you gotta keep your cool with this."

She almost laughed at the thought. "You stopped obsessing over Cap in middle school. I loved his story throughout med school."

"And that is why I'm going to need you to put that in a box filed 'freak out about later'. Remember how your dad was after the war? That's how he is now. So keep your cool and be that incredible doctor who finished high school and med school before everyone her age could even figure out what they wanted to do with their lives."

She nodded numbly and took a deep breath. "What happened to his arm?"

* * *

Sam managed to get Bucky in the van with minimal struggle and only two knockout drugs that he had to force inject him with, and the women, who Kat eventually learned were called Sharon Carter and Maria Hill, were currently driving them back to Headquarters.

Kat could not stop staring at the unconscious soldier. She felt like she was on cloud nine sitting in the same vehicle as him, but something kept nagging at her.

In the corner of her mind she felt a small voice screaming that something happened to the honorable soldier she had adored.

She scooted over towards Bucky despite Sam's protests and looked him over.

"Katty-!" Sam called.

She held up a finger and examined the place where his skin stopped and the metal began. She had seen prosthetics before, but nothing quite as intricate as this. It seemed the arm was shaped to his muscles specifically.

Kat had seen more than her fair share of wartime photos of James Buchanan Barnes. This guy was her first childhood crush. She had admired his bravery throughout her life and even considered joining the army because of him.

She had spent so much time in the museum that one of the security guard's knew her by name.

In med school, she slowly started to drift away from her love for the soldier admiring doctors instead as she progressed in the medical field. She occasional thought of the man she had loved longest and even turned a bit pink in the cheeks thinking of it then.

Some people admired celebrities or political activists or religious figures, she had admired a supposedly dead war hero.

" _Kathy, dear, are you planning to go back home to your mom and dad anytime soon?"_

 _The old security guard asked and the fifteen-year-old girl simply shook her head._

" _Mom and dad aren't home again. Back at work."_

 _The old man sighed and walked over to her. "We have to close up soon."_

" _You can leave me the keys again. It's not like I'm going to steal anything. Well, not again."_

" _That's not what I'm worried about."_

 _The girl looked up at the old man sheepishly. "I wish I could meet him. Hearing his story helps a lot, sir. It helps me think there are good people out there. Good people who care about others."_

 _The old man sighed and sat down beside the girl. "You know, I think he would have loved you."_

"Who hurt him?" She whispered. Her voice was barely audible but it soon as she spoke.

"I think you should back away-" Sam tried to pull her away from Bucky but she just fought against him.

"Someone hurt him, Sam! He has scars up and down his back. This arm was put on with no intention of being nice, and he has wounds across his abdomen that mirror mine after Robert. Now, who hurt him?"

"I believe that question can be answered by someone who knows a lot more than we do," Maria informed her as she opened the double doors. "But right now, we need your help getting Bucky to his room."

She glared at Sam, but nodded and started to help Bucky out of his restraints.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N If I ever get any Russian wrong, please let me know. My Russian is mediocre at best**

* * *

Tony Stark sighed as he lounged in his chair across from an anxious Kat Hastings and a bored Sam Wilson in his office pouring yet another whiskey.

"Sorry, I'm not quite wrapping my head around this. This secret organization that was running inside Shield, named after a Greek monster that is kind of terrifying kidnapped Bucky in 1945 when he fell off a train and supposedly died and brainwashed him, using him as a weapon for seventy something years?"

"Yep, that's it exactly," Tony smirked as he sipped his drink. "I have the detailed files if you ever want some late night readings. But be warned, the shit in there is nightmare material."

"No, thanks. I have enough nightmares to fuel an army," Kat mumbled with a roll of her eyes. Tony shrugged and nodded, not bothering to explore the subject further. If it was him, he wouldn't want some random asshole interrogating him on his nightmares.

"What I'm not getting is I read about Hydra. It was disbanded in the forties after Steve Rogers flew the plane into the goddamn ocean."

Tony raised an impressed eyebrow. "Got a smart one here, Wilson, and a looker at that too."

"She did graduate high school at sixteen," Sam reasoned.

"And she is still in the room listening to everything you're saying."

"Right, Hydra was brought back covertly inside Shield by Dr. Arnim Zola." Tony told her.

"Oh, yeah. He was Steve's prisoner for a while and helped them because he really had no other choice," she chuckled. "He was a Swiss scientist and Shield recruited him a while later because he could help them. After all, he was a certified genius just really odd," she shrugged. "You're saying he grew Hydra in Shield like some sort of virus?"

Tony nodded and frowned at the girl, lost in thought as he peered at her familiar looks and overwhelming intelligence. "Who are your parents? Brains like that I feel like I'd have known your parents."

"They worked for Shield most of their lives. Thomas and Elizabeth Hastings, and that's past tense. They died in a car crash when I was nineteen."

"I'm sorry, but you said they worked for Shield? What did they do?"

"My dad was a scientist, my mom was a surgeon. Why?"

"I feel like I may have met them," he shook his head and sighed. While the names did sound familiar, he couldn't place particular faces to the names, so he dismissed the matter. "Regardless, I think it's time for the good doctor to go."

"Wait," she said, holding a hand up. "Let me look at him."

"We have a more than capable med staff here."

"No, but I'm not just a physical doctor," she let out an irritated sigh as she tried to make this man see. She knew she could help Bucky it was just a matter of whether or not she would be allowed to. "My dad was in the army for two years. I know how to handle PTSD and depression. Beyond that, I've had training in physical and mental health. I know how to treat someone in his condition better than probably half the staff here and I've studied him in school all my life. I know how to help. Just let me."

Tony smirked at her. "You got balls kid. I like that. Tell you what, you can meet Cap. If he gives the okay then be my guest. It's not really my place to decide anyway. I'll take you to him in just a second," he downed the last of his whiskey and Kat rolled her eyes before he cleared his throat and nodded. "Let's go."

* * *

They rounded the corner to find Steve pacing anxiously in front of a room that had Russian being screamed so loud, Kat wondered if Russia could actually hear what was being said.

Regardless, she took a deep breath and put herself to the test.

She decided now was the best time to prove herself to Steve if she was going to get the job looking after Bucky.

This man had safeguarded her childhood without knowing it and now she felt the need to pay him the same respect. It was only because of him after all that she was still confidently standing there.

"Don't-Don't touch me. No more missions. Please. I don't want anymore missions." She roughly translated and Steve's head whipped towards her so fast she worried he might get whiplash.

Then again, he was a super soldier who had survived being a popsicle for seventy years. Maybe, whiplash was beneath him.

"What did you say?" He questioned and she held up a finger.

"Translating. I liked learning languages in high school so I could learn five different ways of cursing without my parents knowing. Now, shh. He's speaking really fast."

Steve nodded with wide eyes and back away, watching her impatiently.

"I know I have failed my last mission. I am sorry. I could not kill him. He was my friend. Please do not punish me. Please do not give me more missions. Just kill me. Please just kill me. End it. The world is so different now. I don't think I can survive in it. Just kill me."

She looked up and saw Steve watching her in horror and disparity.

"Maybe, I shouldn't have translated?" She guessed, nervously glancing up at Sam who was staring at his friend with concern. "Sorry, I just-"

"No, it's okay. It's better to know. Thank you…?" He prompted.

"Kat. Kat Hastings. I'm a doctor."

"A doctor? Do you think you can help him?" He seemed hopeful and Kat simply smiled.

"If you let me, I can try."

He looked back at the door which contained his suicidal best friend. He took a deep breath. "Can you try?"

She nodded and immediately headed inside.

* * *

Bucky was spending each waking second in fear of the next. In fear of what was to come. Who Hydra would want him to kill next. Perhaps, they would be unsatisfied with him leaving his previous mission alive and send him to kill him again. His friend.

He just wanted to die. He had seen the world. He knew what he would be returning to if he stayed alive. He just wanted to die. He had been denied an honorable death, so why not give him one that arose out of exhaustion?

He supposed that if he did have another mission he could just allow whoever it was to kill him, but they might wipe his memory before he had the chance.

He choked back a sob. When did his life become a question of the easiest way to die? Why couldn't they just end it?

Just then, a woman walked in the room. She was a short, young, brunette woman. She had on a light shirt that revealed her shoulder and dark jeans.

Bucky frowned at her. She didn't seem to be Hydra. She was far prettier than the brutish men that had ruled Hydra. She flashed him a quick smile before she pulled out a chair and sat beside him.

"Hi, Sergeant Barnes. My name is Kat," she introduced and Bucky simply stared at her, his eyes begging for answers about what was going to happen next.

"I heard you out there and I want you to know that there will be no more missions."

"Are they finally going to kill me?" He asked his tone hopeful and expectant.

"No, Sergeant Barnes you're not in Hydra anymore. Hydra is gone."

Who was this woman? "Hydra is never gone," he said coldly.

She frowned and shook her head. She didn't expect his tone to be so cold and she certainly did not expect that chilling statement. However, she persisted, throwing on a fake smile and wringing her hands anxiously. When did she become so nervous? "Well, you're safe. I can promise you that." Her heart broke watching him. Here was this man. This brave survivor who never wanted to hurt an innocent soul and all that was left was the broken pieces of him.

While full recovery wasn't possible, Kat knew she had to help the man who she had so often looked up to. If you had the chance to help your childhood icon and the man who saved you from giving up and killing yourself, wouldn't you? No matter what it took?

"Where am I?" He asked, glancing around at the room tentatively. If he wasn't in Hydra, who else would want him?

"You're at an Avengers Headquarters."

"Avengers?"

"Yes, Steve is part of the team. Steven Rogers."

Bucky furrowed his eyebrows. The name sounded familiar, but he wasn't certain.

" _Steven Rogers, you've got to be the dumbest kid in all of Brooklyn. And Queens. And Jersey." Bucky frowned. "You're probably the only guy I know that would get his ass kicked countless times and then keep going back for more. What was it this time?"_

" _He was being a bully," the skinny little kid said as he brushed the dirt off of him. The guy had kicked him into the dirt and punched him repeatedly before Bucky came and told him to beat it._

" _Aren't they all?" Bucky chuckled, wrapping his arm around the boy's shoulders. "Come on, your mom's gonna have a fit that I didn't step in sooner."_

" _You didn't have to step him, I had him on the ropes," Steve insisted._

 _Bucky laughed. "Then I'm sorry I stopped him from bashing your face in before you could have your moment of glory. My apologies."_

"Steve," he breathed.

She nodded. "Do you want to see him, or-?"

Bucky shook his head. "No. Don't let him see me."

"Understandable," she said.

Just then, Bucky's stomach rumbled and she giggled as his cheeks pinkened.

"Don't feel embarrassed. It happens to the best of us. Why don't I see about getting you some food? What would you like to eat?" She asked, getting up out of her chair.

"I don't know," he mumbled. He never had to pick out what to eat in Hydra. They always just gave him food and if he didn't like it, he didn't eat. Why couldn't this woman just give him something? He didn't care.

She nodded. "I'll figure something out."

He frowned at her kindness. It seemed so foreign after years of aggression and indifference, and yet he found himself grateful for it. He was grateful that he was finally being treated like a human being instead of a weapon.

He felt a swell of emotion for this young girl who flashed him a quick smile before closing the door behind her roughly.

Thank you.

* * *

"Well, that was interesting," she sighed. "To say the least."

"What did he say?" Steve asked.

"Well, for starters, he remembers you." Steve smiled and she held up a finger. "But he doesn't want to see you just yet. Don't look upset. He has good reasoning. When my dad was discharged he hated being in the same room as my mom and I. He didn't want us to see what the war made of him. He was ashamed. I suspect the same thing is happening in Sergeant Barnes. He's just ashamed. Even if he doesn't realize it, something in the back of his head is telling him not to let his best friend since childhood see him like this."

Steve nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay. Okay, well, first things first you're hired," he sighed with a small shrug as though that were obvious.

Kat grinned, her heart soaring as she realized what this meant. She got to treat her childhood hero. The man even her dad called a hero.

He was now her patient.

"Really?" She squeaked.

"Yeah, of course. You speak Russian and understand PTSD thoroughly. I'd be an idiot not to hire you."

She squealed and Sam picked her up and spun her around in a hug. "Congratulations, Katty!" He exclaimed, and she laughed. Her legs were jelly as she repeated what Steve said over and over in her mind.

If she told her fifteen-year-old self she would soon be a doctor for James Buchanan Barnes, she would slap herself in the face and think it was some sick prank.

She knew he wasn't the same man anymore, but she couldn't help but think that somehow she was repaying some debt she owed the man.

She spun around giddily. "I have to get him some food but right now this is just sinking in."

Steve chuckled. "Friday, can you ask Maria to get some food for Bucky?"

"Certainly, sir."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: All rights to "Rebel, Rebel" belong to David Bowie (rip).**

"You sure you can do this?" Sam asked as they walked back into Kat's apartment.

She simply rolled her eyes, dropping her keys in a bowl by the door. She wandered over to a dog cage with a young golden retriever bouncing around happily at the sight of her. She chuckled and let the anxious dog out.

"Hi, Rufus. Yes, I'm happy to see you too," she laughed as the happy dog licked her face.

"Katty," Sam said in that parental tone that made Kat roll her eyes as she spun to him with her hands on her hips.

"What do you want me to say? Oh, god I can't do this even though I have enough experience and personal knowledge to do this job with my eyes closed?"

"You know it's beyond just personal experience, right? He's violent. He was trained to kill people for decades. He's not going to be the easiest person to help," Sam reminded her as she headed into the kitchen and he followed stubbornly. "He could attack you and you're 5'3. How do you plan on defending yourself?"

"By helping him before he can attack me?" She offered with a small smirk, getting out a tub of Ben & Jerry's. She sighed when he raised an unconvinced eyebrow. "Alright, I'll think of something. If I have to I'll ask Steve or somebody to stand outside during sessions, but I can do this."

"Oh, I never said you couldn't. I know when you set your mind on something, there's no stopping you. I remember when you were in the ninth grade and the teacher said nobody in the class could do quadratic equations. You stayed up all night studying everything and had three cups of coffee before proving her wrong. You didn't get a wink of sleep," he chuckled.

She grinned. "It was worth it to see her jaw drop and the whole class laugh at her though."

He smiled. "Just promise you'll be careful and if he hurts you, you won't pull that 'I've had worse' act and at least take a break or something."

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine."

* * *

Bucky's screams pierced the air like a bullet as the waves of heat burned through his skull.

 _The men merely chuckled at his expense as he cried. Cried for them to stop. Cried for it to be over. Cried for death._

 _Every memory he had burned him. Things that were once joyful now burned to even consider._

 _Occasionally, it would stop only for another wave of heat to engulf his body._

 _When it was over, the soldiers grabbed his numb, useless body roughly._

" _Put him on ice," the man spat._

 _The men laughed cruelly and dragged his limp body to the cryo chamber._

He woke up screaming. He had to remind himself of what the girl said. He was safe. He didn't feel safe. Not anymore.

* * *

" _You've got your mother in a whirl_

 _She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl_

 _Hey babe, your hair's alright_

 _Hey babe, let's go out tonight_

 _You like me, and I like it all_

 _We like dancing and we look divine_

 _You love bands when they're playing hard_

 _You want more and you want it fast_

 _They put you down, they say I'm wrong_

 _You tacky thing, you put them on_

 _Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress_

 _Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess_

 _Rebel Rebel, how could they know?_

 _Hot tramp, I love you so!"_ Kat belted out in the shower to Sam's amusement.

He pet Rufus as he listened to his best friend sing David Bowie awkwardly in the shower.

He heard the water turn off and got a drink from the young girl's kitchen before walking out and finding her in nothing but a towel.

He raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know we were back at that but okay give me a minute and I'm game."

She rolled her eyes and sighed deeply.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, her hands on her hips. Her tone screamed that she was already getting ready to kick him out.

He seemed slightly amused by the question. "Did you just magically forget you don't have a car?"

She rolled her eyes again. "I was gonna Uber it but thanks. I guess."

"No, need to spend your money. Best Uber in all of New York right here. All it costs is some of those really good pancakes you make."

"They're in the fridge. Microwave them for a minute and by the way I'd hardly consider you the best."

He chuckled and she was about to head back to her room when she froze in her tracks. "What is that I smell?"

"Oh, sorry I-"

Kat winced. "No! Gross, I mean I smell- Pies 'n' thighs!" She exclaimed, running to the living room to find a box with food from her favorite restaurant inside.

"Yeah, I passed them this morning, and you know what your dad said."

"'Every time you pass a Pies 'n' Thighs you gotta step inside'," they quoted together with a laugh.

She smelled it and moaned. "Ugh, I haven't had their food in forever! I'm gonna go get dressed then devour this! Be back in a jiffy!" She called, running to her room.

"God, you really are old fashioned. Steve is the only guy I know that says 'jiffy' anymore."

She opened her door a crack and tossed him a wink.

* * *

Tony smirked as peered over the shoulder of his close friend Steve Rogers who was currently flicking through Kat's file.

In it was a sweet picture of her smiling for her med school I.D, followed by all the information about her they could find.

Steve seemed to be digging through it tirelessly.

"So, you're hot for the new girl aren't you?" Tony said, sitting down beside Steve.

"What? No, I mean she's cute-"

"And she's helping Sergeant Screams A Lot back there," Tony offered.

"But she's not my type," he finished lamely, his fascination with her photo screaming otherwise.

Tony didn't seem to notice and flipped through the photos of her across Brooklyn. She was cute enough to grab his attention and intelligent enough to keep him from moving on.

"What? Seriously? Hell, I'd go for the girl. She's gorgeous. Put her in one old 1940's nursing outfits and send her in there with the tin man we might have something," he smirked.

"Tony, she's not just an object." Steve snapped. "She deserves respect."

Tony raised his hands in surrender. "All I'm saying is I've never seen you hire anyone that fast," he reasoned, smiling at the way Steve stared at one of her pictures.

Steve rolled his eyes and grabbed his coffee. "She's good with Bucky. That's it."

* * *

Kat had her head on Sam's lap and her bare feet out the window as she ate her food.

"Y'know sometimes I think that I should get a car. Then, I look at the traffic here and remember that I don't like being convicted for murder so best not."

He chuckled. "This is why I moved to D.C."

"And you came back for me?" She asked sweetly, grinning up at him.

"I came back because I met Steve."

She rolled her eyes. "I've been friends with you since I was in third grade but the red, white and blue boy toy takes precedence."

He laughed. "Boy toy?!"

"If the shoe fits," she shrugged, laughing at Sam's pure shock as she took another bite.

* * *

Bucky struggled against the restraints. He was angry. He wanted to punch something, to make something bleed.

Everything in him was screaming and it felt like his limbs were on fire. He needed something to feel the pain he was feeling.

He needed something to feel the agony that was eating him up inside.

He wasn't quite sure who he was angry at. Maybe, himself for all he knew.

He was probably angry at himself. I mean, why wouldn't he be? Everytime he got a flashback it was usually of some new innocent person he murdered.

He hated himself.

The world would be a better place if they just killed him.

It would be safer.

The woman from the other day walked in and sat down beside him. She smiled kindly and Bucky wanted more than to choke the life out of her so she couldn't smile again. What was there to be happy about?

"YA khochu zaglushit' zhizn' iz vas i kazhdogo proklyatogo vracha zdes'," he told her.

"Oh, that's nice," she muttered sarcastically. She sighed and looked at him "So, I'll take it you're feeling hostile today. Do you wanna talk about it?"

He shook his head. He didn't want to talk. He didn't even want to be there and yet he was sitting on that bed putting everybody there in danger. He lunged towards her, fighting against his restraints and smirking when he heard the tough metal groan under the pressure.

However, when he looked up, he saw the woman sitting there, completely unfazed. He frowned. Why wasn't she afraid?

"I could kill you. I could kill you right here."

"You could," she nodded. "But you won't."

"What makes you so sure you can trust me?" He muttered bitterly. He couldn't trust his own mind, so why was this strange woman so sure that she could?

"I'm not sure," she admitted. "But if you want to recover from this mess I know you won't."

Bucky rolled his eyes. That was bullshit. He didn't even know what he would do. This woman was fooling herself if she thought otherwise. "You can't help me. Nobody can. You should've just left me where you found me."

"Well, you're right." She said and he looked at her in surprise. That's not what doctors are supposed to do. Times had changed, sure but he was fairly certain they hadn't changed this much." Not with that kind of pessimism. You've given up before we even started. It's kind of hard to help someone who spends the whole time thinking the help is not working."

"Why do you care?" He spat.

She wanted to tell him everything. Tell him everything that he had helped her with throughout her life. Every little word on the tip of her tongue, but dissolved as she looked into his ghostly eyes.

"You are owed better than what you got," she said simply.

He seemed surprised by his response. He didn't believe he was owed anything except a first class ticket into hell itself. The things he had done. The universe didn't owe him anything. He deserved death and it seemed he couldn't even get that.

* * *

"I think it's going well," Sam remarked as he and Natasha watched the camera footage of Bucky and Kat's session.

"You just think that because she's your best friend," Natasha reasoned.

"No… Well, yes and he keeps looking at her like he's just noticing she's there and not hurting him for the first time so that's good right?"

"That just means he's getting used to not getting beat every five minutes. Don't get too hopeful."

"Oh, Nat, you're such an optimist," Sam said sarcastically, turning off the monitor.

"I'm a realist. There's a difference."

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say."

* * *

"What did you dream about?" She asked. She knew if she could work out his dreams, maybe she could help him. Once her dad talked about his dreams after the war he always said he felt a bit better.

His eyes narrowed and grew wary of her. "Why?"

"If I know your dreams I might be able to help you better. You don't have to tell me-"

"Good, because I don't want to."

She raised her eyebrows. "Oh-Okay," she signed as she leant back in her chair and glanced down at her notes. She shot Bucky a tentative glance. "Do you just want to sit here in silence until I have to leave?"

"Please," he muttered.

* * *

Kat walked out of Bucky's room and groaned as she closed the door behind her. This was going to be harder than she thought.

Internally, she kicked herself for assuming he would just tell her everything. Sure, she idolized him but he had no idea who she was.

"How did it go?" Sam asked.

"Depends. Is sitting in silence for two hours with only the sound of the air conditioning to keep you sane good? Because if so it went fucking fantastic."

He sighed. "He just has to warm up to you."

"He's been frozen, beaten, and treated like nothing more than a weapon for seventy years, Sam. He's going to need a lot more than just liking me to be able to tell me all his deepest darkest secrets."

"Well, what are you suggesting? You said he didn't even want to see Steve, so you don't really have a lot of options here," Sam reminded her. "I would just wait it out if I were you."

"No, no, no, that's not it," she frowned, raking her fingers through her hair. "There's something I'm missing. Something, something…," she mumbled.

"Oh God, you've got your Einstein face on again. What is it?"

"Picture Bucky as a puzzle. A completed puzzle with all the pieces in place, and each piece is a moment in his life. Like, for example, one piece can be him hanging out with Steve when they were younger and another is him completing a mission for Hydra."

Sam nodded. "So far, I'm following."

"Bucky can only see a few pieces of that puzzle and I know just a bit more. First, I need to make him see the whole puzzle and in order to do that I need to know the puzzle, but after that… he'll still have all the bad pieces. So, I need to add more good pieces!" She exclaimed before running off.

"Okay, I lost you!" Sam announced.

She ran back and grabbed his hand. "Come on!"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Spoilers for H.P. Lovecraft's "The Colour out of Space" which can be read online here for free: .**

 **Flowers for Algernon can be read online here for free: .**

 **The playlist to watch Flowers for Algernon free online: playlist?list=PLPiva6H6BJbIRZYX_tGB3kkrhh0qO3LkE**

 **If any of the links don't work let me know and I'll try to update them or remove them.**

* * *

Kat shed silent tears as she flipped through the Hydra files at three am. She didn't think it was possible for such horrid things to be one to a human being and have that human being live to tell the tale, yet there they were.

Subconsciously, she reached out and took Bucky's hand if only to provide his some human comfort. He had been so isolated and alone for so long she felt it was only right.

The door softly opened and she dropped her hand, not knowing who was on the other side as they were concealed in darkness.

The figure stepped closer and she saw Steve with two cups of coffee. "After you asked Tony for the files I figured you might still be up. Coffee?"

She smiled and sipped the coffee gratefully. "This is two creams no sugar. This is exactly how I like my coffee, how did you know this?"

"I'm a psychic," he winked. "Nah, I'm just kidding. I asked Sam, he left around midnight."

She nodded distractedly, watching Bucky in sadness.

"So you finished them, huh?" Steve implored, noting the way she looked at Bucky.

"Yeah," she muttered.

"What did you think?"

"I think I'm conflicted between screaming, crying, and punching something," she admitted.

He chuckled, nodding in understanding. "After I read it I broke six punching bags."

"And I thought I cried reading _Flowers for Algernon_ ," she sighed. "How could a human being do this to another human? It's sick, it's twisted, it's downright fucked up. I knew Hydra was bad but- Jesus."

"I know," Steve muttered, staring into his coffee cup. " Flowers for Algernon ?" He questioned.

"Yeah," she nodded, then remembered the story came out in the fifties. "Shit-uh it came out in the fifties. Sorry."

He shrugged. "It's fine. I'm still making it through my list. Should I add it?"

"Yes and no," she decided. "I mean it's a total tearjerker but the story itself is wonderful. It's about this man who is in his late thirties and not really mentally developed. He has difficulty with spelling, grammar, and language in general and he takes part in this experiment that is supposed to make him smarter. Algernon is the name of the mouse they try the experiment on before him."

He nodded. "Sounds good, I'll add it to the list."

She smiled. "The movie isn't worth adding in my opinion. It's nice and all but they focus more on the relationship than the actual development of Charlie, the main character, it still made me cry but," she shrugged. "Not worth it."

He smirked. "Well, thanks for the recommendation."

She grinned. "Not a problem. Now, I was actually meaning to ask you something. Do you think you could tell me anything you know about Bucky? I mean I know the general information, but what were his favorite songs? What did he like to do?"

"Oh," Steve sighed, leaning back in his chair. "He was the stud of the town. Had girls left and right lining up at his door. It used to intimidate the hell out of me because Bucky was like this bigger brother to me and looking up to that was overwhelming, to say the least."

She giggled. "Did he have anybody special waiting for him when he came home?" She glanced over at Bucky, raising an eyebrow. He spent most of his time shirtless and quite frankly she could see why all the girls in Brooklyn were chasing after him. He was gorgeous, but she knew he had the brains and charm to keep the girls there.

"No," Steve shook his head. "All those girls and he never found the one."

Kat caught herself staring at him longer than a doctor should stare at her patient and automatically turned back to Steve. "What about personal interests? He couldn't have just loved girls, though I do know some guys like that…," she trailed off.

"He liked music. Sinatra mostly."

Kat's jaw dropped. "He likes Sinatra?!"

"Yeah," Steve raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"I was raised on Sinatra! I fucking love him!" She exclaimed only to be met with a low groan from Bucky. "Sorry" she whispered, her cheeks pinkening. "But anyway, I loved him with Tommy Dorsey Orchestra. I literally used to hum Blue Skies around the house when I was like seven."

He chuckled. "We saw them live."

Her jaw dropped. "You're kidding."

He shook his head. "It was a fun night. I didn't really like Sinatra but Tommy Dorsey's Orchestra made up for it."

She rolled her hands and held up a hand to Steve's face. "I can't- I can't handle this right now. You didn't like the guy who's music shaped my childhood ?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "I was more into Glenn Miller."

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me. _Moonlight Serenade_? Really? I mean sure it's good for a dance, maybe, but honestly?"

"You sound exactly like Bucky," he stated firmly and she grinned.

Internally, she was screaming but she remembered what Sam said about keeping her cool and tried to breathe.

Then, a thought popped into her head. "What about Tommy Dorsey with Buddy Rich? Did you guys go see them? 1942? Hawaiian War Chant?"

"Yeah, yeah, I think I remember that. Buddy Rich wasn't bad."

"You're killing me, Steve. Buddy Rich is a great fucking drummer. Like that man made me see drumming as more than just banging sticks everywhere"

"Bucky said he liked Buddy too."

"Thank God, I'm not in a room with two idiots and instead just one."

He laughed. "Gee, thanks."

She giggled. "Was there anything else? Books or movies maybe?"

"Yeah, he mentioned one guy uh-Lovelock?"

"Lovecraft," she corrected. "Though James Lovelock is a real man and a brilliant scientist, I feel like Lovecraft would be more likely."

"That does sound more familiar," Steve admitted.

"I only own one story from H.P. Lovecraft. Colour out of Space. Most of his stories give me the creeps," she shivered. She didn't mention Lovecraft was blatantly sexist and racist at times making her furious with the story itself.

"How do you know all of this?" Steve wondered.

She smiled sheepishly, dissolving into her seat in a bit of embarrassment. "I'm a bit of a history fanatic, and beyond that, I just like learning about the world. My mom used to call me this big sponge just absorbing everything around me." She glanced down at her coffee cup sadly.

"I take it that's past tense," Steve presumed by the way her body slumped at the mention of her mother.

She nodded numbly. "Car crash made me an orphan." She took a deep breath. "It's alright though because I got to spend so much time with them. I used to be sad all the time wanting more and more time with them, but thinking on it now I got more time than most people could even wish for. So, while it sucks, I'm grateful. I grew up with them. Not a lot of people can say that about their parents."

He smiled. "That's really nice of you."

She smirked. "Yeah, I like to think so."

Bucky began to mumble something in Russian in his sleep and she darted over to his side. She felt his forehead to make sure he wasn't burning up in his sleep before slowly comforting him. She spoke to him in Russian, slowly lulling him to sleep again.

"Why did you do it?" Steve wondered.

"Do what?" She chuckled. "Speak in Russian? He just seemed more comfortable with-"

"No, I mean why did you become a doctor? Were your parent's doctors?"

"My mom was a surgeon and my dad was a scientist, but they're not why I did it. I guess I wanted to feel like I was bringing some good to the world. Life kinda chews you up and spits you out and leaves you with all this leftover damage. I helped myself heal from it, I feel like I should help other people who might not be able to do the same."

"I like you, Kat Hastings."

"I'd say I like you too but within the span of an hour you insulted two musicians I hold very near and dear to my heart," she replied coolly as she sipped her coffee.

"Oh, he chuckled. "Is that how it's going to be?"

She laughed.

"Well, kid, I have some choice words for-," he began.

"Shut up," Bucky mumbled.

Kat nodded to the door and her and Steve headed out, closing the door softly behind him.

"I feel kind of bad," Kat confessed. "This is probably the first restful sleep he's had in awhile and there we were talking noisily through it." She sighed. "Tell you what? Can you hand me a list of all the musicians, and movies and whatever you remember Bucky liked sometime after breakfast? I'm gonna head to bed."

Steve nodded but seemed confused. "You just had a cup of coffee."

"Psh, that's nothing. I've had coffee for so long, one cup will barely make me feel a buzz."

He chuckled. "Okay then. Night."

"Night."

She headed back inside and yawned, rubbing her eyes with her fist, much like a child before taking off her sweater and Converses. She grabbed her duffle bag and headed into the bathroom to change into some pajamas.

She debated whether or not she should keep her father's dog tags on. Usually, she hardly ever took them off but considering who she was sleeping next to it would probably be best if she didn't give him an easier way to choke her.

She sighed as she took them off and kissed them before heading back into the bedroom where Bucky was seemingly asleep. She giggled as his sleeping frame. That is so fake. She used to fake sleep all the time at family reunions as a kid so nobody talked to her, she knew fake sleep and Bucky was most likely watching her.

She rolled her eyes. The action was so middle school boy and yet she found herself smiling as she crawled into the cot the Avengers had laid out for her.

"Good night, Bucky," she muttered and she heard him shifting around in surprise for a few moments before eventually relaxing.

"Good night."

The next morning she awoke to find Bucky by her cot fingering her dad's dog tags.

For a moment, she worried that she would be in serious trouble for not putting his restraints on before he went to bed but she quickly dismissed the matter. He hadn't caused any trouble so it shouldn't be a problem.

When he noticed she was awake and watching him, he quickly put the dog tags back where he found them like a kid caught with his candy in the cookie jar.

"No, it's okay. You can look at them. It's not like they're mine," she shrugged and he slowly picked up the tags once more, staring at her the whole time as if she were going to yell at him and smack his hand for doing something she said he could do.

"I used to have these," he muttered. "They took them. I don't know why."

She watched the way he held the dog tags, clutching them so tightly she worried they may cut his hand open. His other hand, the one that wasn't holding the dog tags, was shaking violently.

"You can keep them," she offered and his head whipped to meet her eyes in surprise. It seemed he couldn't quite comprehend the kindness she was showing him. "They're my dad's but, he'd want you to have them." She nodded to him and he showed a ghost of a smile.

"Thank you."

"No problem." She sighed as she got up from the bed and Bucky automatically averted his eyes when he saw her short pajama shorts. She chuckled. Forties guys. "I'm gonna go take a shower then get some breakfast." She thought about the other night when he seemed annoyed with having to make a decision for food.

It was possible that instead of giving him the newly found right to decide, she should take this in baby steps.

"Would you like eggs or pancakes?" She said and he looked up at her in surprise again.

"Uh, um I don't really remember pancakes."

She smiled. "Perfect. I can make the Hastings special. Be back in a jiffy."

She went to take a shower and when she got out, she headed to the kitchen and saw Steve and Sam already awake. Steve was making something that she could already smell burning and Sam appeared as though he'd rather be eating anything else.

She chuckled and hopped over towards them.

"Hello, boys," she said as she pulled out two plates.

"Hey, how is he?" Steve asked. She sighed and knew she had to be completely honest with Steve. After all, if it was her in his shoes she would've wanted to hear the same, no matter how bad it was.

"It's on and off. This morning he was kind of shaky and I'm worried he was awake early because he had a nightmare but other than that not terrible."

Steve nodded and she pulled out all the ingredients for Hastings special pancakes.

Just like dad used to make every Sunday.

Given it was a little bit more difficult because she didn't have the chance to prepare the batter the night before, but she would make do.

"Hold on," Sam froze. "Are you making the Hastings special?"

"Yep," she announced as she swung around and grabbed the cinnamon.

" _Just a dash of cinnamon, Kathy. More and your mother will toss the pancakes in the trash before you can even ask her if she liked it," Kat's father whispered in the eleven-year old's ear._

" _Untrue!" Her mother protested. "You better watch out for your father, Kathy. He's a liar, and you know what we say about liars."_

" _They deserve to go down the crap toilet!" She exclaimed proudly with her mother._

" _Hey! I didn't say a word!" He protested._

" _He's a two-time liar!" Kathy announced._

 _Her mother placed her hands on her hips. "Oh, those get the toilet with barf in it."_

" _Ew!" The little girl giggled as her father groaned._

"Can I have some pancakes?" Sam asked desperately.

She grinned. "It depends. Did you get the stuff I asked for?"

He held up a green duffle bag. "It's all right here. And quite frankly you own way too many crop tops and tights."

She snatched the bag out of his hands and rolled her eyes. "Show me where I asked for your opinion. Did you let Rufus out and feed him?"

He nodded. "Oh and your grandma called. She says that she met another guy at the nursing home and she swears this time he's the love of her life. Dr. Cartel called again, she said you haven't been coming to your sessions."

"I asked you to let my dog out and grab my stuff not go through my personal calls. Though I don't really mind about Mama, she gets a new boyfriend at the nursing home every other week."

"Good, cause Dr. Cartel called _me_."

"You have a doctor?" Steve frowned.

"Yeah," she sighed, raking her fingers through her still wet hair. "It's a long story and he made me get her," she jabbed her finger at Sam who raised his hands in defense.

"Don't blame me! You needed her!" He insisted.

She rolled her eyes. "Tell her I'll see her this Saturday if it means you both stop bugging the living daylights out of me."

He chuckled. "Deal."

She pushed a pancake onto his plate beside the burnt toast. "Remember not too much syrup or else it tastes funny."

"I've been coming to your house for pancakes since I was ten. I remember."

She smirked.

"Hey, can I have some?" Steve asked.

She grinned. "I thought you might say that." She pushed a pancake onto his plate. "Don't put too much syrup or it'll be too sweet and you'll lose half the flavor. I also made enough for the rest of the team in case Steve's wonderful cooking doesn't woo them. Be a dear and tell the others for me. I'm gonna make some coffee and bring it to Bucky."

She did exactly that and struggled immensely opening the door with two plates, two coffee mugs and cream and sugar.

She stood back and huffed at the door, working out how she could approach it. She bit her lip and tapped her foot when she had a lightbulb moment.

She was a waitress one summer when she was sixteen before she got fired for dropping food on customers all the time. She could handle this.

She really hoped she didn't spill the food on Bucky.

Kat took a deep breath and readjusted everything before heading inside.

Bucky watched her with wide eyes as she placed his plate and black coffee in front of him and placed her plate and coffee beside her bed.

She handed him the cream and sugar and sighed. "Don't put too much syrup on it."

"Thank you." He said awkwardly, staring down at the pancakes as if it were the greatest gift anyone had ever given him.

Kat grinned. "No problem."

She started eating, and he stared at her in surprise.

"What?" She asked.

"Why are you eating with me?"

"Do you want me to go eat with the others? Because I will if you feel uncomfortable," she offered.

He looked down at the dog tags. "Yes," he whispered.

She smiled and hopped up before quickly sitting down. "Oh, I should not have done that," she moaned, holding her tummy.

Bucky glanced over at her and couldn't help but smile slightly at her face. She looked like an upset young child. It was adorable.

"Give me a minute. Note to self, never stand up quickly while swallowing," she sighed before getting up slowly. "Okay, I'll be back later for our session. If you don't want to talk my friend brought over Colour out of Space by H.P. Lovecraft and we can read it if you'd like."

He nodded and she walked out without another word.

She heard the laughter echoing from the kitchen down the hall and smiled as she walked over to the Avengers.

"What's so funny?" She asked.

"Did you hear about Sam getting attacked by a guy the size of a tic tac here?" A red-haired woman she presumed was the famed Natasha Romanov or Black Widow asked.

"Oh, yeah," she giggled. "And the tic tac won."

There was another burst of laughter and she grinned.

"What are you doing here? Weren't you supposed to be with Bucky?" Steve grew concerned and it showed on his face. Like that overprotective parent who worries every time they don't know where you are for five seconds.

"Relax, he's okay. It's no big deal."

"Then why aren't you with him?"

She rolled her eyes and smiled at the Avengers. "Is he always like this?"

"Almost always," Natasha nodded. "We have to remind ourselves that he's the grandpa here."

She giggled and turned back to Steve. "I don't know how much he wants me to tell you, but he's not exactly comfortable with eating around some girl he hardly knows which is perfectly understandable. I'm going back in when I'm done eating."

He nodded before taking a deep breath and resuming eating.

* * *

"It was then that I heard the story, and as the rambling voice scraped and whispered on I shivered again and again despite the summer day. Often I had to recall the speaker from ramblings, piece out scientific points which he knew only by a fading parrot memory of professors' talk, or bridge over gaps where his sense of logic and continuity broke down. When he was done I did not wonder that his mind had snapped a trifle, or that the folk of Arkham would not speak much of the blasted heath. I hurried back before sunset to my hotel, unwilling to have the stars come out above me in the open; and the next day returned to Boston to give up my position. I could not go into that dim chaos of old forest and slope again, or face another time that grey blasted heath where the black well yawned deep beside the tumbled bricks and stones. The reservoir will soon be built now, and all those elder secrets will be safe forever under watery fathoms. But even then I do not believe I would like to visit that country by night—at least, not when the sinister stars are out; and nothing could bribe me to drink the new city water of Arkham," Kat read.

"It all began with the meteorite," Bucky whispered.

Kat looked at him momentarily before offering him the book. "Do you wanna read it?"

He shook his head. "No, I like hearing you read it. You have a nice voice."

"Well, this is the first time you've heard me speaking for a while," she giggled. "Are you sure you don't want to read?"

"No."

"Okay," she sighed. "Where did I leave off?"

"Ammi had just told him the story."

"Oh!" She watched him cautiously. "Do you remember how it ends?"

"The family dies," he said coldly.

"Is that all you remember?" She implored.

"That's where I stopped reading."

"Why? Just because the family died?"

He nodded. "It didn't seem like a fair ending, so I stopped reading. I knew it was going to happen all along so I didn't see a point."

"Ah, Bucky Barnes just like you I don't believe this story has a sad ending," she flipped to the end of the story and Bucky just simply sat there and stared at her.

Clearly, she did not know anything about him if she thought he had a chance at a happy ending.

"It was just a colour out of space—a frightful messenger from unformed realms of infinity beyond all Nature as we know it; from realms whose mere existence stuns the brain and numbs us with the black extra-cosmic gulfs, it throws open before our frenzied eyes.

I doubt very much if Ammi consciously lied to me, and I do not think his tale was all a freak of madness as the townfolk had forewarned. Something terrible came to the hills and valleys on that meteor, and something terrible—though I know not in what proportion—still remains. I shall be glad to see the water come. Meanwhile I hope nothing will happen to Ammi. He saw so much of the thing—and its influence was so insidious. Why has he never been able to move away? How clearly he recalled those dying words of Nahum's—"can't git away . . . draws ye . . . ye know summ'at's comin', but 'tain't no use. . . ." Ammi is such a good old man—when the reservoir gang gets to work I must write the chief engineer to keep a sharp watch on him. I would hate to think of him as the grey, twisted, brittle monstrosity which persists more and more in troubling my sleep."

"That wasn't much better," Bucky grumbled.

"No, but it didn't end in death."

"Every story ends in death."

"No, no I can't agree with that. If that was the case then there would be a lot less hope in the world than there is."

"Hope? Hope is just a fantasy for people who refuse to see how much life can take," Bucky spat. He was angry. Really angry. He had no hope. If hope was real he would have been rescued from that Hydra base ages ago and had been able to live a nice quiet life. Instead, he had been forced to endure a living nightmare.

"No, Bucky, hope is for people who refuse to believe that this is all there is. That it's not just death and destruction. I think every story ends in another story. We're all just stories, in the end, being told to grandchildren or friends kids or to the world. We live through stories, just like Nahum and his family are still alive through this story. They're alive in our memories and imaginations."

Bucky eyed her cautiously. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Treating me like a person. I'm a thing. I've done things that would keep you up at night in fear of me."

"I've read what happened, Bucky. All of it."

His eyes widened and he looked at her in shock. "Then why are you being nice to me? I don't deserve kindness."

"Again I'm gonna have to disagree with you. I think after all this time you of all people deserve all the kindness I can give you."

"Why?" He asked again. After he had done all of that why should he be treated with kindness?

"Because it's what good people do."

He smiled slightly at that before he grew angry and distant again.

"How about I pull out a new book? _Flowers for Algernon_?" She offered. "It's one of my favorites."

He stared at her as if he couldn't quite understand her. Like she was a puzzle that he was visually trying to put together and not quite getting it "What's it about?"

"It's about this guy named Charlie Gordon. Charlie is a 32-year-old developmentally disabled man who has the opportunity to undergo a surgical procedure that will dramatically increase his mental capabilities," she read the summary.

He thought for a while before sighing deeply and nodding. "Okay."


	6. Chapter 6

**Almost every elderly person listed (except Kat's grandma herself) is based off a real person that is over 100 and gives great advice, a video with all of them can be found here: watch?v=9AThycGCakk Seriously they're great people.**

* * *

"I think it went well," Kat said to Sam as they crossed the street, only to nearly get hit by a cab.

"Get out of the street!" the man hollered.

"Oh, go back home to your Mom's basement!" Sam shouted as Kat laughed.

"Damn!"

"This is why I left New York," he grumbled.

"Oh, please. You left right after your tours as if New York wasn't American enough for you and you had to be right by the President to feel like you did some service to the country."

"God, how I missed our little talks," he said sarcastically. "So you think he's getting better?"

"Well, I wouldn't go that far, but he's talking to me and I think he's starting to understand that I'm not out to get him which is definite improvement."

Sam nodded. "That's something," he agreed. "Better than him staring at you for hours saying absolutely nothing. Has he snapped at you?"

"He's really just spoken angrily. I don't think he understands my purpose, so he's just really confused."

"It could be worse. He could be cursing at you or threatening you."

"Oh, I don't think he's past that. He just had a good day. It's always; confusion, then anger, then a bit of confusion as his mind works out where he is, then acceptance. At least that's how it was with my dad."

Sam nodded and sighed as he looked up at the sign that read: Waterford on the Bay Senior Living. "Do I really have to come with you? Last time I was here all the over eighties poked and prodded at me, giggling about how I was in the Army."

She giggled and wrapped her arm around her best friend. "You should be excited to come here then. You might find yourself a girlfriend. The one group of people that would be a step up from me," she laughed. "Come on. Mama is waiting."

Heading inside the retirement home was like a breath of fresh air for was her element. Making friends with people her own age was difficult but making friends with people three times her age was surprisingly easy.

"Hello, Kathy!" An elderly man named Cliff called.

"Hi, Cliff!" She waved happily. "Still taking a spot of whiskey each day?"

He chuckled. "It's not on the national health," he said as he held up a glass of whiskey.

"A hundred and one? It never will be, but whatever helps."

"Oh, hello, darling," a Czechoslovakian elderly woman muttered, reaching out a hand to hold Kat's hand.

"Hi, Emilia, how are you?"

"Oh, I'm doing very well. I see you've brought young Samuel here, are you two still together?"

Kat laughed. "Oh, no, but don't you worry. He was very good to me. I broke it off for personal reasons."

"It's a shame. You two would have made a lovely bride and groom. Is there anyone new in your life?" Emilia asked hopefully.

Instantly Bucky popped into Kat's mind, but she shook the thought away. "Um, no one at the moment. But I'll be sure to keep you updated on my love life. I promise," she chuckled

"Oh, good," Emilia smiled.

They walked past the room with one of her favorite guys to talk about music to. An elderly man named John.

He was listening to the Schenectady New York on his old radio with the jazz bands.

She leaned in really quickly.

"Psst, John! Hate to interrupt but I just really quickly wanted to tell you that I found someone who likes Sinatra and Buddy Rich! And before you ask, no it's not this one," she said, jabbing a finger at Sam. "He wouldn't know the difference between Sarah Vaughan and Doris Day if it smacked him upside the head."

John laughed and Sam stared at her in confusion as she darted to her grandma's room. "Hold on, was that an insult?!"

"Mama!" She exclaimed as she swung around into the room.

"Kitty Kat!" Her grandmother cried and held out her arms. Kat ran to her grandmother

"Oh, you brought Sam as well," Kat's grandmother Dorothy muttered.

"Right, I'm gonna wait in the hall," he sighed.

"Wait- Mama!" She scolded.

"What? Are you dating him again?" Dorothy looked concerned that she had just offended her granddaughter's boyfriend.

Kat rolled her eyes. "God, no," she sighed, sitting down beside her grandma. "There is one other man though, but being with him is kind of impossible."

"Oh, darling please don't tell me you're crushing on that Bucky boy again. How many times must I say this? He has passed on."

"That's the thing though. Remember on the news when they said they found the frozen body of Captain America? The war hero?"

"Of course I do, dear! I'm old not senile!"

Kat smiled. "Well, sort of the same thing happened to him and he was recently found."

"Well, what are you waiting for? Go after him before I do!" Dorothy insisted.

Kat laughed. "That's the problem. He kinda has a memory problem and is hostile."

Dorothy's gaze turned cold. "Don't do it Kitty Kat. I know you've loved him since you were, what? Seven? But if he hurts you he will just be another Robert."

She sighed and placed her head on the bed. "I'm his doctor."

"Well, treat him and leave it at that."

"How can I? He's so beautiful, Mama, and there was this moment today when I was reading to him and I just felt like there could be something there."

Dorothy watched her grandchild carefully. She saw in her eyes that she cared about this man. She had loved him all her life after all. The old woman just worried that this man might not feel the same, or worse, he might hurt her beautiful granddaughter. She knew if she said no her little Kitty Kat would not try anything with this man. She would stop picturing a future all together because she valued her grandmother's opinion dearly, but Dorothy couldn't just look into those eyes so filled with love and say no.

"If you feel there is a slight chance there could be a future with this man then you try, but if he hurts you or you start to doubt he doesn't feel the same, I want you to stop and save yourself and your heart above all else."

Kat smiled at her grandmother. "Thank you, Mama," she stood up and kissed the old woman on the cheek. "Now what's this I hear about a new boyfriend?"

* * *

Bucky was going restless. Where did she go? The woman with the soft voice and the kind eyes.

She treated him differently despite knowing what he was. She wasn't like the others and Bucky wasn't sure if that was just a sign of stupidity or weakness.

Regardless, he found her presence was somewhat calming. She seemed to understand a deeper part of him. A part that he himself could barely remember.

He found that he needed her.

The other night when she slept in the room with him, he didn't have dreams about Hydra, instead he had a dream about going to see a band play with Steve.

A happy memory.

Before her, he didn't know he had any of those left. Up until she arrived all his memories had violence, torture, and war in them. He didn't think wholesome things existed in the world let alone in his head.

When she was gone and he was alone in the room, the bad things often rose to the surface. Things he didn't like remembering.

 _The electricity burned through his veins like fire. "You do not disobey, Soldier. You do not fight back. You have one purpose and that is to serve Hydra, understand?!" The voice barked, but Bucky had no idea who it was._

 _His eyes were squeezed shut in pain as the man increased the volts running through his body._

" _Understand?!"_

" _Yes!" He cried._

 _The man smiled. "Good, now we wipe you."_

 _He screamed as new technology slowly shifted towards his head before clenching his skull roughly._

 _He didn't want to forget._

 _Not again._

The door opened with a soft click and Kat walked in with a coffee from some place called Starbucks, and a small bag with the same label as the cup.

"Chto, chert voz'mi, ty zdes' delayesh'?!" Bucky spat.

She took a deep breath. "Nice to see you too, Bucky."

Bucky glared at her. He wanted to kill her. To just end it all. It would be so easy. He could wrap his fingers around her throat and-

"I brought you a bagel," she said, holding up the bag.

"What?" Bucky faltered.

"Well, I wanted to bring you food from my favorite restaurant, but Sam said we were running late so I decided to get you a bagel. Here," she gave him the bag and he peered inside.

"Why?"

"Why was I running late? Well, my grandma wouldn't stop chatting about how she was dating Cliff and honest to God I love the woman but she can talk your ear off when she's in a good mood."

"No. Why did you get me a bagel?"

"Because I figured you'd want to try some food outside of me and whatever else they try to cook up for you. You know something a bit different. Everyone else here can eat different food so you should be able to as well."

"Why would you care about that?"

She smiled. "Again, Bucky, it's what good people do."

He never understood that. What are good people? It had been so long since he had even experienced the concept of a good person let alone talked to a good person.

"Are you a good person?" He asked.

She chuckled. "Uh, big question," she breathed. Was it a big question? Bucky honestly didn't know. "I don't think I'm an entirely good person, but I try to be and I think that's what matters. Just like you Bucky, you don't have to think you're a good person to be one."

"YA ne prosil urok zhizni, ya prosto zadal vopros," he muttered.

She sighed. "Okay, then. What do you want to talk about?"

"Where were you?"

"What?" She frowned.

"Well, you sleep here so I assume you don't have friends or a boyfriend that would miss you if you weren't home," he stated bluntly.

"Oh!" She scoffed.

"But you go out occasionally. Where could you go if you don't have a social life outside of this?"

"I'll have you know I have a thriving social life!" She exclaimed and he raised an eyebrow. "Okay, they're all over eighty, but regardless I have friends."

Bucky was surprised at the over eighty part. He figured she might have no more than three friends and try to fight him with that, but he hadn't figured that she would be friends with people around his age.

"And that's where you go?"

"Sometimes. I'll also go home to make sure Sam isn't killing my dog."

Bucky was silent for a moment. "I like dogs," he muttered.

She smiled. "I do too, that's why I have one." He looked down at his lap, fiddling with her dad's dog tags just as he used to fiddle with his own tags when he couldn't sleep at night. "Tell you what, I'll see if I can bring my dog here. He loves new people. Usually more than me," she mumbled distractedly.

He instantly brightened at the idea of a dog being in the room. "You would do that for me?"

"Of course! That and I kinda miss my dog being here. I know I have no social life. You don't need to say it. However, you have to promise me something. If I bring my dog will you try to not threaten me in Russian, or any language for that matter. I can handle the cursing but hearing that you want to choke the life out of me is not exactly heartwarming."

He glanced down at his lap in guilt. "I'll try." If he was honest, he never realized what he was saying in Russian until it was already said. Like the Soldier took over momentarily and said whatever he wanted before leaving Bucky to deal with the mess.

"Okay, I'm gonna go ask Tony," she hopped up. "Back in a jiffy!"

He smiled, though he hated her enthusiasm with such mundane tasks but the way she said jiffy was adorable.

* * *

"Tony!" She cried, swinging around into the room to find Tony speaking to a woman with long brown hair.

Kat had the tiny crush on the girl just looking at how beautiful she was standing there.

"Uh, hi, I'm Kat," she introduced holding out a hand which the girl nervously stared at before slowly taking it. "I take it you're Wanda Maximoff."

"You've heard of me?" the girl said sheepishly, using her sleeves to cover up her hands. Kat eyed the action warily.

"Yeah, uh, Sam talked about you. He thought that you were incredible. Really just amazing," she lied. She had seen the new member of the Avengers on the news and it was most certainly not because she was painted in a positive light. She figured it would help the girl feel less self conscious.

"Really?" She perked up.

"Yeah," she muttered.

The girl smiled.

"Hey, listen Wanda, go see Steve like I said okay?" Tony requested and Wanda nodded, walking past Kat.

"Nice meeting you" Kat smiled and waved.

Wanda simply smiled in response and waved as well.

"So, what do you need kiddo?"

"Kiddo? " Kat raised an eyebrow and shook her head, remembering that she wasn't there to question Tony's odd diction. "I wanted to know if I could bring my dog here? They've been known to help in therapy so it could be considered work."

"Of course, just don't let anyone get a hold of it," he chuckled.

"Thanks."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: The term "mind-rapist" is a phrase that was commonly used by me and my friends when talking about our therapists. It meant they delved unwillingly into our minds because our parents paid them to (we didn't consent to it) they got what they wanted and left us with the damage. It is used briefly in this chapter, but if it does offend/bother anyone it will be removed. (It is stated twice.)**

 **I know I said I wouldn't mention when Kat's history with rape and sexual assault is brought up but it is really graphic here so if you have experience with this and believe you could handle brief mentions, just know that this is extremely graphic.**

* * *

Bucky spent the rest of the day listening to Kat read _Flowers for Algernon_ to him. She had offered to let him read it on his own but he saw by the way she clutched the book that she didn't want to let it out of her grasp. Besides, he liked listening to her read. She had a certain elegance in her voice that he knew wouldn't be able to even get close to while reading in his head.

He watched her as she read, the way her eyes danced happily across the page and the way her hands almost shoved the next page over, anxiously awaiting the next piece of the story. He thought she and her love for books were both beautiful.

"This is your favorite book?" He clarified.

She nodded much like a small child. "I absolutely love it."

"Why?" He tilted his head curiously.

She took a deep breath and he smiled for a fraction of a second, bracing himself for a long explanation.

"I discovered it when I was little and I just immediately connected to Charlie. He just has this innocence and honesty about him that I love and the way the author talks about other people. It's so real and honest. He doesn't have one of his characters entirely innocent. I mean even Algernon bites Charlie. He makes it so realistic but the characters so lovable that I can't help but read and reread this story."

"Can you leave it tonight?" He requested. He wanted to experience something she loved so much on his own.

She looked hesitant as she gripped the book tighter. Eventually, she sighed and nodded.

"If it's just for one night, sure. I'll try to bring more books tomorrow, okay? Until then, do you want to talk?"

He clung to the dog tags nervously. "I remembered more about what they made me do to him."

"To who? If you don't mind me asking."

"Steve."

She inhaled sharply and sat up straighter in her seat. "Do you wanna let it out? Sometimes it helps," she offered.

He took a deep breath. He didn't like thinking about it. He didn't like remembering.

"Bucky, whatever you're feeling you can trust me with. I swear that I won't hurt you and if you want I can promise that it will be just between us. I'm here to help you."

"Why don't you give up?" He wondered

"Give up on trying to help you?"

He nodded.

"Would you believe me if I said I don't believe in hopeless cases? I believe everyone has the opportunity to be happy and not hurt others. Now if they realize it or not is another question."

"What about bad people?" He asked, fiddling with his dog tags.

"They either don't realize they don't have to hurt other people, which is more common than you think or they are deliberately trying to be bad. Like a teenager deliberately trying to disobey their parents. They willfully ignore the other option."

"And you think all people are like this?"

She nodded firmly.

"What if you're wrong?"

"Well, then I'm wrong but like I said I don't think anyone is all bad. We all have the chance to lead a life which doesn't harm others."

He thought on her words. Maybe, she was right. Maybe, he wasn't all bad

She smiled. "Tell you what, if you want, tomorrow we can talk about dreams. If not I'll bring some Frank Sinatra and we can listen to that. Oh, and you'll be able to meet Rufus, my dog, so that's fun!" She rambled and he smirked.

"You like Frank Sinatra?"

"Yeah, I used to listen to him with my dad. On Saturday's we would play _Saturday Night Is The Loneliest Night of The Week_ . Corny I know."

"I think-," he hesitated and she raised an eyebrow. "Never mind," he shook his head.

"Okay, that's fine. Let's just keep reading, yeah? Unless you're ready to talk?"

He shook his head while a part of him screamed out the opposite. He wanted to get this shit out of his mind but he still worried that if he expressed this from his point of view she would run and hide from him like he was some monster from a horror film. His mind was at war about what he should tell her. He trusted her, he just didn't know if he could be so sure that she wouldn't think he's some sort of sick psychopath.

She smiled. "That's okay."

* * *

"Shoot me in the fucking face!" Kat cried.

"What's going on now?" Sam said, leaning against her door frame.

She chewed her lip desperately with two sets of books in her hands. "What books would he like?"

Sam chuckled. "I don't know. You'd have to ask Steve that kind of stuff. Why do you care what he thinks of it?"

"I have _To Kill A Mockingbird_ which he might not like but then again he likes Lovecraft so maybe," she continued, ignoring him. " _Rosemary's Baby_ is definitely a no. When the hell did I even get this? Oh my God, _In Cold Blood_ is golden! Maybe, I should stay away from murder though. Well, that cuts down my collection by a lot. Maybe, I should just stick with _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_. _Where the Wild Things Are_ too. I like that one." She sat up with a sigh. "Oh, hey Sam."

He rolled his eyes and picked up the dog cage. "Are you ready?"

She was about to nod when her eyes widened. "Wait, the Sinatra!" She shouted, bolting back to her room.

"I feel bad having Rufus in a cage. He looks so sad. He's hardly ever in his cage at home."

"Yeah, well last time he was in my car he crapped on half the seats. He can stay in the cage."

She rolled her eyes. "If we were cops you would be the bad one."

"I had to clean that shit up for a week!"

"Just Google how to get out dog poop. Jeez, Sam."

"Yeah, okay, the girl who lives in the mid-1900's is gonna tell me to use Google. You don't even own a computer!"

She grinned. "Don't feel the need for one."

He rolled his eyes. "Are you gonna tell me what that was about back there?"

"What?" She asked softly. He looked over and saw she was staring out the window seeming in a happy daze with everything she saw.

"You spent a good five minutes trying to make sure you had the perfect book for him. And now you're tracing shit on my window."

She frowned. "Is that?" She seemed to lean out of her seat as though she were watching a movie with a really good cliffhanger. Then, she leaned back, disappointed. "No, it's not."

"Oh my God, you're in love with him," Sam almost laughed.

"Shut up."

"Sweet little Katty is in love with the soldier," he hummed. "What is it you have with soldiers? Is it a fetish?"

"Oh, God this is like my first boyfriend all over again," she moaned.

"I'm never letting this go. I knew you had a crush on him because you thought he was hot. But you actually love him. Why-?"

"He's sweet to me okay?! He's funny and yes he made fun of my social life but I do that all the time, and I dunno he has all the same interests as me. I never thought he would if I'm honest."

He laughed. "I'll keep your secret. I always do."

"Thank you."

* * *

Bucky actually missed her. That was new. He missed her contagious laughter. He missed the way she read to him. He missed the way she looked at him like he wasn't a monster.

He had another nightmare last night. He had decided today was the day he was finally going to tell her.

He just hoped he wasn't making a mistake.

He heard the door open and for a split second, he thought it was her until he saw the eyes of the person who walked in. He looked down in defeat. It was just another medic.

He liked the way she knew the bad side of him and saw past it.

He was starting to become anxious. He couldn't like her in that way. Emotions were dangerous.

Besides, who could ever love him?

* * *

"It's just a dog it's not a fucking terrorist!" She screamed.

"Ma'am we just need to make sure you're not trying any funny business," the guard assured her.

She placed her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at the guard. "How stupid are you?"

"For God sakes just let the girl in before she kills you," Tony crowed.

"But-," the guard looked down at Rufus.

"Congratulations, you just became the stupidest person I have ever met. Quite a feat as I have met someone who thought glue was a snack. In tenth grade."

The man flushed and she walked past, toting the golden retriever in her arms proudly.

* * *

"Well, that was the most pointless twenty minutes of my life. Here, Rufus, you have your freedom," she unhooked the leash and the dog ran straight into Bucky arms as Bucky laughed.

"Typical. He likes other men more than me," she sighed and took her hat off, shaking the hair that she had slightly curled this morning because she didn't feel like actually working with it. "His name is Rufus," she told Bucky as she sat down.

"Hey, Rufus," he whispered as the dog happily licked his face.

Kat usually hated the way her dog preferred everyone over her (I mean come on you get a dog and it loves everyone more than you?) but watching Bucky interact with the dog shoe couldn't help but giggle. It was like a small puppy interacting with an even bigger puppy.

It was one of the most adorable things she had seen.

She shook her head. Shit. She was falling hard.

"I've been thinking," Bucky announced, still petting Rufus.

"Oh?" Kat raised an eyebrow. She had long since retired to her cot in the room. Bucky had been playing with Rufus for about an hour.

"I think I wanna talk about my dreams."

"Oh, okay," she tried not to sound too excited. This was a big step, but she didn't want to freak Bucky out over it. She walked over to him and sat in the chair beside him.

"But, I-I don't-"

"Would it help if I told you about some of my dreams too? Maybe, make it easier if it's not just you?"

"Yeah, that might work."

She nodded.

He took a deep breath. "So, I'm in this chair they use to wipe my memory and these guys are repairing my arm after a mission, but I start remembering Steve and I remember being friends with him right after they sent me to try and kill him. I get angry, really angry, and I push a guy across the room into a wall. He doesn't get back up. Then this guy enters. Pierce with Rumlow and a couple of other men. He tells me what I'm doing is good even though I feel like a monster. I try to tell him I new Steve but he hits me and the dream ends with me getting electrocuted and my memory wiped again."

She stared at him sadly. Not in pity or anything he didn't want but just simple sadness.

She looked at the door and at the camera in the room. It didn't record audio at her request. If it was really important, they could ask Friday for the records. She wanted their conversations to be private.

"Nobody else knows this except Sam and I'm guessing Natasha and Tony." Nat seemed the type to have experienced what she experienced and she knew Tony would have gone through all her records by now. He didn't seem like he trusted easily. "When I was thirteen, I met this guy named Robert. I had a huge crush on him and I dreamed of one day running away and marrying him. He was thirty-six. It was just kid stuff. Dreaming of the older guy falling for you. But one day he told me he knew how I felt and he felt the same."

Bucky immediately grew concerned. No guy approaches a thirteen-year-old girl and talks to her like he wants to go out sometime. Kat almost instantaneously read his expression and nodded.

"Yeah, no, it was sick, but back then I thought I was so fucking cool. An older guy liked me. The girl with the messy brown hair who was shorter than all her classmates and had the odd pimple coming in weird spots like on my ear or something. But he promised me he liked me. One day, he even asked my mom if he could watch me while she was at work. Since he was my dad's boss she said yes. That night he said he was going to teach me 'grown-up things' and raped me. He kept doing that for six months, telling me that if I loved him I would do it. He gave me all sorts of bruises when I couldn't make him cum. Scars that I still have today."

She turned around and lifted up the back of her sweatshirt. There as an ugly bruise there that was all sorts of purple and black. "He fractured my tailbone. I never went to the hospital. Couldn't sit for weeks at school."

Bucky was disgusted. "You don't touch a woman like that," he spat.

"Yeah, well, he died in prison and I learned he didn't actually love me around then." She scoffed. "I told him all my deepest darkest feelings and emotions and he hurt me."

"How do you learn to trust again?" Bucky wondered.

She sighed. "It was like four years before I met someone new. He understood my past and was really kind and slow with me. He showed me that not everyone is not an asshole and that there is some good in the world."

That's why she was so good to me. That's why she still had hope , Bucky thought.

"What happened to him?" Bucky wondered. Obviously, they weren't still together. He could tell because she used past tense when talking about him.

She inhaled sharply and looked away, her lower lip trembling as she focused on the wall.

Bucky automatically felt like an ass. She treats you so nicely and you talk about her dead ex-boyfriend? Nice. His own mind spat at him.

"I'm sorry," he scrambled.

"I-It's fine. He went away and he promised he wouldn't. He got on a stupid plane and never came back. It's not his fault. I shouldn't blame him. A plane crashes it's not his fault, right? It's just sometimes," she hesitated. "Sometimes I wish he took me with him."

"I'm sorry," he repeated.

"It's okay. It's not your fault either. Life just sometimes sucks, but sometimes it's good too. It's always a surprise."

"I thought I was the only one who felt like this," Bucky admitted.

She smiled. "You're not alone, Buck. You're not alone."

* * *

"You know sometimes I think you're out to get me," Kat sighed as she hopped up onto the sidewalk arm in arm with Sam.

He barked out a laugh. "What because I'm making you see your therapist?"

"Yes! When we were little we used to call my therapist my mind rapist remember?" She grinned.

"Yeah, and now I'm forcing you to go see the mind rapist. Oh, how the times have changed," he chuckled.

"You said it not me."

She walked into the pristine offices with Sam who checked her in and Dr. Cartel walked out with her stringy blonde hair, makeup that looked like it was put on in the dark, and thin-lipped smile.

"Ah, Kathy!" She exclaimed, holding her arms out for a hug. Kat just stared at her blankly and she heard Sam laughed from the front desk. "Yes, I see things are still how we left them." She cleared her throat. "Shall we?"

Kat rolled her eyes and started walking towards the office, but not before flipping Sam off as she went.

When she got into the room that looked more like what she pictured Dr. Cartel's living room looked like rather than an actual therapist's office.

It had one of those noisy water flowing statues that Kat thought was supposed to calm her but really just made her have to pee. There were a couple sad looking house plants that appeared to be crying for Kat to save them from their eternal hell.

On the walls were various degrees and pictures of Dr. Cartel with people she thought were impressive but were really just very low ranking government officials that held next to no power in a court of law. She also had one picture with her town sheriff up as if getting a picture with him was an amazing feat.

In the center of it all was a velvet sofa and a hard chair with a small table beside it.

The sofa was the only good part of the whole room.

Kat sighed as she lied back on the sofa.

"So, Katherine Elizabeth Hastings, how are we feeling today?"

Kat rolled her eyes. "Fine."

"Just fine?"

"Yes, just fine."

"The anniversary of Robert's death has recently passed. Did you burn the pictures of you with him like I asked?"

"Yes."

"How did it feel?"

"Relaxing. To see the fire eat up his face was relaxing."

Dr. Cartel jotted down a note. "Sam tells me you have a new job."

"Oh, does he now?" Kat raised an eyebrow, making a mental note to kill Sam later.

"Yes. He says that you'll be working with a man you've had a crush on for quite some time."

"Oh, of course, he does."

"Well? How are you feeling about this man?"

"Thanks, Doc, but I don't really have it in me for the girl talk. Besides, I'm paying you to treat me not be my gal pal, ain't I?" Kat rolled her eyes.

"I'm simply asking because your last two relationships have not ended well and perhaps this presents a new opportunity for you."

"My last two relationships ended with Jason dying in a plane crash, and me breaking up with Sam because I can't have kids. I'd say that pretty much has me set for failure what about you?"

"Sam still doesn't know the real reason you broke up with him," Dr. Cartel stated. "He says something about music?"

"Yeah, and he'll never know. I liked him. I really did. Safe to say I was ready to get married to him, and you know how I hate marriage. It's just a piece of paper to me, but I was willing to do it for him. Until I found out I can't give him kids. The one thing he wants more than anything."

"You have a disorder in your ovaries, Kathy, it's not your fault."

"Yeah, well it kinda feels like it. If I can't have kids that are my own shouldn't I be with someone who has the same problem?"

"This man that you're treating. Is he infertile as well?"

Kat thought back to the Hydra records. They explicitly stated they sterilized him before sending him out on missions. One less thing to worry about. She thought it was disgusting to do that to a human being who is born with the ability to make tiny versions of them as well as the person they loved most in this world. To just rip away a future family like that. She had no choice but he did and he got it taken away.

"Yes," she whispered and Dr. Cartel smiled.

"Then it seems as though this crush has some hope."

"But my track record and the fact that he's my patient are kind of against me."

"Sam says the place you work in is very kind. They may not care. And you cannot allow your past to control your future."

"Yeah, just without kids."

* * *

 _Robert loomed over her broken body with a sick twisted grin._

" _Please, I can't take anymore," she pleaded._

" _Don't you love me? If you love me you'll want to continue."_

 _She nodded. "I love you but it hurts. It hurts so much. I don't think I can take anymore."_

" _Then, you don't love me," he grabbed her long hair which as an adult she would forever wear short. He positioned her face right in front of his crotch. "Now do as I say, and if I don't cum in your mouth then obviously you don't want me to care about you. Got that?"_

 _She nodded shakily. Anything to stop the pain._

 _Suddenly there was a flash and she was in her living room, watching the news about flight 416 crashing and burning to ashes. No survivors._

 _She paced the house with a beer in her hand. She was eighteen. That was the only time she drank._

 _Sam called her to send his condolences. She refused to believe it was his flight._

 _At the funeral, she knew they had the wrong guy. He probably ran late for his flight and missed it. He was always doing stupid shit like forgetting his keys or the right pair of socks._

 _It wasn't him._

 _There's another flash and she's sitting in a doctor's office being told there's no way she can have her own kids._

 _She'd had unprotected sex with Sam three times and no sign of pregnancy. She lied and told him she was on the pill._

 _She lied again breaking up with him. Saying her roots in music are more important than some guy._

 _She had to give him up. He wanted kids. He always wanted kids ever since he was a kid, and she can't have them._

She woke up screaming. It took her a moment to realize where she was as she felt the cot around her and held her chest as she realized where she was.

Then she burst into tears.

Bucky was startled by what he saw. He was unsure of what to do. He thought at first about turning away and giving her some privacy when he knew she wouldn't want that.

What would someone do out of kindness? Out of love?

He got up out of bed and slowly walked over to her. A million different scenarios crashing through his mind as he did so, the most prevalent being her pushing him away and caving back into her own comfort.

Regardless, he sat down on the cot and tentatively wrapped his left arm around her.

She froze momentarily and started breathing heavily and he worried he had screwed up when she moved closer to him and rested her head on his bare chest.

He let out a sigh of relief and wrapped his arms around her, running his fingers through her hair slowly as she sobbed onto his chest, wrapping her own arms around his abdomen.


End file.
